i thought i’d seen a lot, but…

recently, we received a submission from a writer who:

1.  cc’d all the other litmags to which he was submitting this particular piece.  please, writer: is it too much to copy and paste individual emails?  not a great thing, and this will likely provoke all editors to click “reject” on your submission.  most of us are looking for reasons to reject your piece, before we look for reasons to accept your piece.  don’t make it easy for us to reject you.

but that’s not all:

2.  this writer also attached a picture of himself appearing to eat…a….small, LIVING creature.  this writer was probably not actually EATING the creature (please please let this be true), but, even so.

p.s. this post singlehandedly prompted me to create two new post categories: “OhDearLorrrrrd….” and “Speechless.”

Huh?

“This piece is a work in progress…composed of fragmented bits and without plot or recurring characters.”

Fragments.  No plot.  No recurring characters.

Looking…forward…to reading it?  Not sure.

Remember. CAREFULLY. CAREFUL.

Cover letter excerpt: “…please read these xyz stories carefully. They are great stories….”

In sum: I should read your (great) work CAREFULLY.

My response: I read all stories (especially great ones) carefully.  No need to remind me–I know the stories are all your precious, but when you tell me how to read them and even go as far as to tell me what you think of your own work, I begin to, for some strange reason, think you might be a bit protective/bossy/self-aggrandizing…

Dear Editor, How are you doing today?

I got a submission that opened with that line. As if. Do they really want me to answer that? “Well, this morning my cat threw up, and I’m cranky because it’s hot out, and…”

Note: no need to ask about welfare of editor. Just send your writing.

In the category of “Hey it’s not for you to decide…”

Cover letter excerpt: “I wish to submit two fiction pieces, two of my greatest works, for you to peruse…”

They may be great.  They may be your greatest works, but that’s for me to decide.